Why Can’t I Be Beautiful?

“Why can’t I be beautiful?” was a question I repeatedly asked myself, as I stared at my reflection in the mirror.  I was only 12 years old, and life for me SUCKED!  Well, it didn’t really suck, but as an adolescent girl in the midst of puberty, I magnified everything to the tenth power!  Prior to adolescence, periodically I was ridiculed for being tall and skinny, and for sporting a greasy Jheri curl.  Although I didn’t care for my body image and hair, I didn’t deem myself ugly.  If only my legs were bigger and my hair longer, I would be just fine.  However, when puberty hit, my face exploded with uncontrollable acne and oily skin.  I looked a mess!  I remember taking my 7th grade school picture and absolutely hating it, for my face shined like the moon on a well-lit night.  “Why do I have to look like this?” I asked myself as I stood in the mirror.  I always had a habit of comparing myself to other females, but this experience took my insecurities to another level.  I can recall sitting in class and scoping out the classroom, admiring all the BEAUTIFUL girls.  I longed to look like one of them —– clear skin and long hair.  Life would be so much better if God would show me the same grace He had shown these beautiful swans!

The day that “Jacob” called me UGLY was a day I would soon never forget, for it solidified what I had already come to believe about myself.  It was any normal school day as we sat in the cafeteria eating lunch at Princeton Junior High School.  I don’t remember the conversation or if we were even arguing.  However, what I now know about myself that I didn’t know then was that I can be sarcastic, and I tend to have a dry sense of humor.  So, whatever I said to “Jacob” set him off, especially since it caused those around us to laugh.  Not wanting to be the butt of my joke, he went off.  I honestly don’t remember everything he said because once the words, “YOU ARE UGLY!” hatefully spewed from his lips, I didn’t hear anything else.  “WOW!  So, it’s true!  I really am UGLY!  I knew it!  I was just hoping no one else had noticed,” I thought as I sat there humiliated at the lunch table, while “Jacob” continued browbeating me.

That moment in the cafeteria, not only made me feel ugly, but ALONE.  No one, and I mean NO ONE came to my aid!  I couldn’t understand why no one stood up for me.  The people I thought were now my friends said absolutely nothing in my defense.  As I look back on it as an adult, there can be a number of reasons why they didn’t say anything.  Perhaps, they didn’t want “Jacob” going off on them, too.  Better yet, maybe they were waiting to see what I would say in retaliation.  In fact, “Jacob” probably didn’t expect me to be so quiet.  Prior to this moment, he and I had been very cordial to each other.  But, if anyone was waiting for me to speak up for myself or to even turn around and call him ugly too, they were going to be waiting a long time.  There was no point in fighting back because, as far as I was concerned, he was right —– I WAS UGLY!  Already possessing low self-esteem, I just sat there and allowed the hateful words to take root in my heart.  As a 12 year old 7th grader, I adopted a mindset that would take me YEARS to break away from!  As time went on, I did my best to avoid confrontation with the wrong people. I didn’t want another person pointing out the fact that I was ugly.

Entering high school, I hated how I viewed myself and wanted to believe differently, but it was hard.  Naturally, my family tried to assure me that I was BEAUTIFUL.  However, it didn’t matter what they said if I didn’t believe it myself.  I didn’t know the right strategy to take, but I knew I had to change my way of thinking.  My dad used to always tell me that what people think about themselves is what they become.  So, I began telling myself that I was beautiful.  For a long time, I still didn’t believe it, but I continued saying it.  My confidence was at stake!  Proverbs 18:21 says, “Death and life are in the power of the tongue…”  In other words, what was spoken to me on that haunting day caused me to feel less than what God had really made me to be because I chose to embrace hateful words rather than dismiss them.  Nevertheless, thanks to the love of God, family and true friends, I was motivated to push through, even while the words were still echoing in my ears years later.  I was tired of being insecure.  I wanted to be better, and I knew that was contingent upon me changing the way I thought and spoke.

My beliefs didn’t change overnight.  It took some years to uproot the “plants” that had grown in my heart.  In fact, I’m still shaking off residue even now!  Although it was a painful experience for a 12 year old girl, who only wants to be accepted and liked by her peers, it helped shape me into the woman I am today.  Because of that experience, I had to learn to speak words of LIFE to myself.  If you keep hearing something over and over again, eventually you will believe it. Romans 10:17 says, “So then faith cometh by hearing, and hearing by the word of God.”  Although the apostle Paul was referring to having faith in Jesus Christ, the scripture can be applied to other situations, as well.  I wanted to believe I was beautiful so I began telling myself just that!  Psalms 139:14 states, “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”  God took time to lovingly craft me in His powerful, yet gentle hands!  Now, how can I deny such a beautiful MASTERPIECE?!!

Recording artist Leah Smith sings a song entitled “Beautifully Made”.  The first time I heard the lyrics I was amazed at how much it parallels the journey I call MY LIFE. Leah sings, “I’ve had those days where I wanted to be someone else, not good enough just being me.  And I’ve had those times when I’ve looked into the mirror not happy at all at what I’d see, ’cause I don’t feel special, and I don’t feel beautiful and I don’t feel smart enough, strong enough, good enough – feel like nothing at all. But in times like these I come back to the truth that I have found!    I am beautifully and wonderfully made! I am beautifully and wonderfully made!”

I encourage you to listen to the song in its entirety.  I pray it blesses you!

 
If you find value in this blog post, please share.

If you would like to subscribe to The Kimberly Joy Blog and receive new posts by email, please leave your email address in the box marked SUBSCRIBE TO BLOG VIA EMAIL provided at the end of this post.

Thank you for your support!